Trip Parodies the Wizard of Oz
by arch-duke trip
Summary: The title is pretty self explanitory really. A competition between Jayne and myself, she's currently rewriting so don't go searching for hers. Quite prompt SSHG, mild Ron bashing language and drug dealing. ENJOY!
1. Chapter 1

Author note: Lol, I don't know where this came from, oh yeah I was on the farm when I started this, which was over a year ago. Man farm work does strange things to a person's mind.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, if I did the protagonist wouldn't be nearly so thick, nor do I own The Wizard of Oz, books or film.

* * *

Hermione clutched Crookshanks closer as she sat in the corner of her room. The storm raging outside her small wooden house was getting stronger. Suddenly she was thrown to the floor, she looked out of the window and she saw that her house was flying though the air at approximately 87 knots, this would not end well. Suddenly the house fell and crashed. Hermione stood up, Crookshanks still in her arms, and walked out of her house.

"Well," she said to Crookshanks, "nice view, good weather, I think the value of our house just: Jesus Christ!" she screamed and dropped Crookshanks when she saw a pair of legs protruding from under her house. She ran inside, grabbed a blanket, ran back outside and covered up the legs.

"There," she said, picking up Crookshanks, "no-one needs to know. Let's go meet the neighbours."

She walked up behind one of the tall green bushes that littered the sunny area; she poked her head through and spied several little creatures with big ears, big noses and huge eyes like dinner plates.

She walked out of the bushes and into the little town square. All the creatures stared at her.

"Hello," she said, "I'm Hermione Granger and this is Crookshanks, who are you?"

"We," one of the creatures said, proudly, "are the house elves, the underappreciated slaves of Bellatrix, the Wicked Witch of the East."

"Umm," Hermione said, embarrassed, "come with me."

All of the house elves followed her back to her house. Hermione reached down and pulled the blanket off the legs.

"Is that Bellatrix?" she asked Seamus, leader of the elves.

"Yes," he replied.

"Then behold!" she yelled out, "I have freed you from Bellatrix's tyranny!"

"You bitch!" one of the elves yelled, "We liked her!"

"She didn't beat us," another yelled.

"Now her evil sister is going to inherit us," Seamus said woefully.

Hermione was scared, she looked up and saw giant bubble floating towards her and the house elves. The bubble landed and popped, revealing a woman, dressed quite stylishly and carrying what Hermione could only assume to be a magic wand.

"Hey house elves," the woman said casually, "Where's Bellatrix?"

The house elves pointed to the legs protruding from Hermione's house.

"Who killed my sister?" The woman screamed.

"She did!" The house elf named Pansy Parkinson shrieked.

"Oh," the woman said, "good job."

Hermione was confused.

"Hi, I'm Andromeda," the woman said, shaking Hermione's hand, "Good Witch of the North."

"I'm Hermione, and this is Crookshanks," Hermione said smiling, "Where am I?"

"You are at the edge of the eastern realm of the magical country of Oz," Andromeda explained.

"Oz?" Hermione asked, "Never heard of it."

"We're not really a tourist spot," Andromeda said sadly, "Tell you what; you just have to wear my sister's shoes." Andromeda reached down and pried the shoes off Bellatrix's carcass.

"I'm not wearing those!" Hermione yelled, "She died in them!"

"And?" Andromeda asked.

"It's just gross!"

"They're Prada," Andromeda added.

"Why didn't you say so!" Hermione said, taking the shoes and putting them on, "they're perfect! I'm not really a pumps sort of girl but these are nice."

Suddenly there was the boom of thunder and a flash of lightning. Andromeda spun around to see a woman with blonde hair, a black dress and look as if she had something smelly under her nose.

"That's Narcissa," Andromeda whispered to Hermione, "My younger sister, she's the evil one the house elves were talking about."

"Who killed Bellatrix?" Narcissa screamed.

"She did!" Pansy Parkinson shrieked.

"Avada kedavra!" Andromeda yelled.

In a flash of emerald light Pansy lay dead.

"Oi!" Narcissa yelled, "I'm the wicked witch here! Avada Kedavra!"

In another flash of emerald light the house elf standing next to Pansy dropped dead.

"Don't waste the house elves!" Andromeda yelled.

"Eugh, you sound like mum," Narcissa said.

Andromeda shuddered.

"So," Narcissa said to Hermione, "you killed Bellatrix."

"Yes," Hermione said, "and I'm wearing her shoes and you can't have them."

"But those shoes would go perfectly with my dress!" Narcissa yelled.

Hermione made a hand gesture that any model English school girl should never make to a lady, but Hermione wasn't a model English school girl.

Narcissa was fuming.

"No matter," She said, "I'll just pry them of your burning carcass then!"

Narcissa raised her wand.

"Expelliarmus," Andromeda said.

In a flash of scarlet light Narcissa's wand flew from her hand and landed two meters away.

Narcissa sighed. She walked over to her wand, bent down and picked it up she turned around and pointed a finger at Hermione.

"I'll get you my pretty and your little pussy too!"

With that, she disappeared.

"I always thought there was something strangely lesbian about Narcissa," Andromeda said, somewhat shocked.

"Oh great," Hermione said, "I've been here ten minutes and already somebody wants to kill me. I am so done with Oz, I want to go home."

"Well, darling," Andromeda said, "There's only one person in Oz that could send you home."

"Who?" Hermione asked.

"Dumbledore, the great wizard of Oz," Andromeda said, "He lives in Hogwarts castle, which is in the centre of our capital, the Emerald city, which is in the very centre of our country."

"So I have to walk to the middle of the country?" Hermione asked, not at all pleased.

"Yes," Andromeda explained, "and to get there you just follow the yellow brick road."

Hermione sighed, "You would've thought that that tornado could have brought my car here."

Suddenly a silver soft-top Porsche fell out of the sky in front of Hermione.

"That's not my car…" Hermione said, "But it'll do." She threw Crookshanks in the front passenger seat and jumped into the driver's seat. "See ya Andromeda!" She yelled, driving off.

Andromeda looked at the sky, "Could the great Tornado send me a Porsche?" a tiny toy Porsche fell in front of Andromeda. She sighed, "Oh well, I'll just use magic, it's much quicker."

* * *

Author Notes: Reviews greatly appreciated. Actually they'll be taken as votes.


	2. Chapter 2

Author notes: Thanks to my reviewer (singular) and readers. Here is a very long chapter.

* * *

Hermione sped down the yellow brick road, thankful that, because Oz didn't have cars it didn't have traffic cops.

She stopped the car by a corn field which had a very stupid looking scarecrow, no corn, and was covered in crow shit.

"Good god!" Hermione said, "You have to be the most useless scarecrow in existence!"

"What's a scarecrow?" The scarecrow asked.

"You're a scarecrow," Hermione said getting out of the car and walking up to the red-headed scarecrow.

"Oh is that what I am?" the scarecrow said, "I was wondering why they put me in this field."

"Yeah…" Hermione said, realising just how stupid the scarecrow was, "Who put you here?"

"Narcissa, she turned me into a scarecrow and put me in this field," The scarecrow explained.

"What did you used to be?" Hermione asked.

"I was a wizard," The ginger scarecrow said, "My name is Ron Weasley and I was sent to duel Narcissa."

"How long did you last?" Hermione asked.

"About three seconds," Ron said.

"I'm not surprised," Hermione said, cutting the scarecrow down. He rolled over and sat up, leaning on his hands and smiling vacantly.

Hermione sighed. "I'm going to see Dumbledore," she said, a little begrudgingly, "Do you want to come with me and see if he can fix you?"

"Alright," Ron said, rolling over and standing up.

"Get in then," Hermione said, sitting herself down in the driver's seat.

Ron walked up to the front passenger seat and reached for the handle.

"Not there!" Hermione yelled, "That's reserved for the sexy and intelligent and, right now, Crookshanks beats you in both categories."

"Okay," Ron said brightly, hopping in the back.

Hermione started the car and began speeding off. Ron was quite surprised at how fast they were going.

Suddenly Hermione slammed on the brakes. Ron flew out of the back seat and landed half a mile down the road.

"That's what your seatbelt's for," Hermione said, driving up to him.

"What's that?" Ron asked.

"It's the black thing attached to the seat." Hermione explained.

"No," Ron said, pointing at the roadside, "That!"

Hermione followed where he was pointing. There, beside the road, was what appeared to be a tin statue.

Hermione walked up to the statue and it made a strained noise.

"Jesus Christ!" Hermione yelled, "It's alive."

"Hey," Ron said, grabbing a nearby oilcan, "Pumpkin juice!"

He stuck the end of the oilcan in his mouth and started pumping oil into his mouth. He spat the liquid out and gagged.

"It's gone off."

Hermione rolled her eyes, smacked Ron upside the head, and snatched the oilcan away from him. She walked up to the tin man and oiled all of his joints, bottom to top.

The tin man turned to her and grinned, "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to grease up strange men by the roadside?"

"Oh, no," Hermione said, "She told me something quite different."

The tin man raised an eyebrow, "What's your name, traveller?"

"Hermione Granger," Hermione said, "This is Crookshanks, and some random I picked up."

The Tin man cocked an eyebrow at the scarecrow, who was still sitting in the middle of the road.

"A Weasley?" the Tin man asked.

"Yes," The scarecrow said, "Who are you?"

"I," the Tin man announced, "am Severus Snape."

"I know you," Ron yelled, "You used to work for Voldemort."

"Who's Voldemort?" Hermione asked.

"Voldemort was also known as the Wicked Witch of the South, despite being male," Severus explained, "He was recently killed by some git face named Harry Potter."

"And you used to work for him?" Hermione asked, stepping back slightly.

"Yes," Severus said, "However, years ago, I turned against Voldemort and began working for Dumbledore as a double agent. Unfortunately, Voldemort found out and turned me into tin."

"How did you get all rusty?" Hermione asked.

"I was looking for a bottle of Firewhiskey and it started raining," Severus said, blushing slightly.

Hermione chuckled softly, "We're going to see Dumbledore, would you like to come with us? He might be able to turn you back."

"I doubt he will," Severus said, "but why not?"

"Alright then," Hermione said, walking back to the car, "hop in the front, Tin man."

"But I thought…" Ron began.

"Shut up and get in the back!" Hermione yelled savagely.

Ron obliged as Hermione sat herself in the driver's seat.

This time, Ron made a point of fastening his seatbelt.

Hermione began speeding off again.

After 10 minutes, Hermione screamed, "Jesus Christ!"

She pulled the handbrake up and flicked the steering wheel. The car did a 180 degree spin and came to a halt.

Hermione and Severus, simultaneously, turned their heads slowly and glared between the two front seats at the thing standing huddled in the middle of the road.

"What…the…fuck!" Hermione fumed.

The thing, which turned out to be a lion, burst into tears.

"Great," he sobbed, "I finally pluck up the courage to leave the house and I nearly get hit by…by…that!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "What's wrong?"

"Bellatrix tortured my parents into insanity when I was a small child and then she turned me into a lion for shits and giggles," the lion explained.

Hermione's eyes widened, "Well," she said, "He has got the best story out of all you lazy sods."

The Tin man chuckled in agreement.

"What's your name, lion?" Hermione asked.

"Neville Longbottom," the lion replied.

"Well, Neville," Hermione said, "We're all going to see Dumbledore, would you like to come along?"

"Sure," Neville said.

"Hop in then," Hermione smiled.

So; Hermione the girl, Crookshanks the cat, Ron the scarecrow, Severus the tin man and Neville the lion all sped along the yellow brick road in the silver soft-top Porsche, singing the hits of ABBA at the top of their lungs.

"I've been cheated by you since I don't know when…" Hermione sang.

The boys filled in the instrumental interludes.

"So, I've made up my mind, it must come to an end. Look at me now! Will I ever learn? I don't know how, but I suddenly lose control, there's a fire within my soul."

The boys joined in the singing.

"Just one look and I can hear a bell ring, one more look and I forget everything, whoa-whoa! Mamma Mia! Here I go again. My, my, how can I resist you? Mam…"

"Stop the car!" Severus suddenly screamed.

Hermione slammed on the brakes and Severus quickly got out of the car.

"Get out!" he screamed at the scarecrow.

Ron got out of the car and followed Severus to the edge of the road. Hermione and Neville looked on with twin looks of confusion as Severus told Ron to wait by the roadside and then disappeared into the forest.

After five minutes Severus re-emerged from the forest with a large sack. Severus ran over to Ron, pulled an angry squirrel from the sack and stuffed it down Ron's pants.

Hermione screamed with laughter as Ron started writhing on the ground, screaming in agony. Neville got out of the car and attempted to help his friend, ending with him getting kicked in the head.

Neville managed to open Ron's pants (Definite RWNL evidence, or is that NLRW?). The squirrel flew out and latched onto Neville's face. Ron did his pants up, wrenched the Squirrel off Neville's face and drop kicked the rodent into the woods.

"What did you do that for?!" Ron screamed.

Severus shrugged, "Shits and giggles."

"Oh," Ron said, "okay."

Hermione was still roaring with laughter as Ron, Neville and Severus got back into the car.

"Alright, Bucky," Severus said, chuckling slightly, "Let's get going."

Hermione, still laughing, sped off again and didn't stop laughing until she saw a conveniently placed petrol station. She pulled up next to one of the pumps and a spotty teenager came out to assist her.

Hermione turned to Severus, "Got any cash?" she whispered.

Severus held up a large bag of gold. Hermione snatched it, told the assistant to fill the car and check the oil, and ran into the shop to buy junk food.

Upon her return the spotty teenager had finished his work; Hermione paid him and got back in the car, throwing several large bags of chocolate at Ron. She reached to turn the key.

"Don't," Severus whispered quickly, "listen, what is that mysterious ticking noise?"

"Don't you dare!" Hermione hissed.

"Open the bonnet," Severus ordered, getting out of the car and moving in front of it.

Hermione obliged and gripped the steering wheel in silent tension, the ticking noise continued.

"I've found the source of the ticking," Severus said, emerging from under the car's bonnet, "and yes, it's a pipe bomb."

Severus hurled the pipe bomb into the shop and hit the deck as it exploded, which was viewed at fourteen different angles and once in slow motion, destroying the shop.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" the spotty teenager screamed.

Hermione and Severus looked up at the spotty teenager as he transformed into Narcissa.

"I set a perfectly good death trap and it gets foiled by an automaton," Narcissa yelled in rage, "but mark my words, I'll get you my pretty and your little pussy too."

With that Narcissa disappeared.

After a minute's silence Ron asked, "Now, by 'pussy' did she…?"

"She meant Crookshanks," Hermione snapped.

"You hope," Severus smirked.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I suppose I should point out that I don't own the Harry Potter Puppet Pals, I wish I did, they are truly fantastic. Again, I don't own Harry Potter or the Wizard of Oz.

Author note: And please leave reviews, it makes my day. Even if you tell me how much I suck.

* * *

After the little pipe bomb incident; Hermione and her friends, well; friend, animal, vegetable and mineral (I'll let you decide which is which) continued on their merry way in the soft top Porsche; this time singing the hits of Queen.

Meanwhile, in her palace on the West End, Narcissa was fuming. Twice that frizz haired nit had defied her, TWICE. Narcissa would not stand for it. She was supposed to be the one in control, she was supposed to be the one that people feared, loathed and maybe occasionally venerated. But this little insect of a girl had defied her and taken her sister's shoes- which Narcissa had had her name on for many years.

'God fucking damn it!' Narcissa screamed, knocking a priceless one-of-a-kind vase off its pedestal and stomping on the shards, 'I hate that blasted girl! I need to find a way to get rid of her.'

She sat down on an authentic Georgian antique sofa. 'How would you handle this Lucius?' she asked, gazing at the priceless one-of-a-kind vase as it re-made itself.

'Well,' Lucius replied, 'I'd shag her and kill her post coitus.'

Narcissa stared at her husband.

'Honestly, all you'd need is a strap-on and a hand gun.'

Narcissa turned away from her husband; thinking over the possible merits of his plan, when something red caught her eye in her crystal ball.

'Of course!' she yelled in triumph, 'Dumbledore's poppy field!' she got up and rushed over to her crystal ball, 'I can put a potent enough sleeping spell in those poppies and make her fall asleep at the wheel and die!' Narcissa cackled evilly.

Hermione turned a corner on the yellow brick road.

'Stop the car!' Severus yelled.

Hermione slammed on the brakes and stared in awe at the sight before her. For half a mile the yellow brick road was overgrown with blooming red poppies.

'Do you think we can drive through these?' Hermione asked Severus.

'Don't be ridiculous,' Severus said, 'Do you realise what the street value of those poppies would be?'

Hermione grinned and leapt out of the car, running up to the poppies and picking them in handfuls. Soon Severus, Ron, Neville and Hermione were all excitedly picking poppies and stuffing them in the boot of the Porsche. When they had picked half of the poppies they stopped and rested, sitting on the road and leaning against the car.

'Do you really want to harvest the rest of the poppies, or should we just drive through them?' Hermione asked.

'Oh I wouldn't try that,' a voice said.

Hermione stood up and spun around, finding Andromeda perched happily on the bonnet of the Porsche.

'Andromeda,' Hermione shouted happily.

'I see you've found some friends,' Andromeda said grinning, she stood up and turned to Ron, shaking his hand, 'I'm Andromeda the good witch of the north,' she said, Hermione grimaced as she added, 'the very good witch of the north.'

'I'm Ron,' Ron said, having completely missed what could have been a come on, but probably wasn't because, well come on it is Ron, 'And this is Neville.' Ron gestured to Neville who looked terrified as usual. Andromeda smiled at him and turned to Severus.

'And I know perfectly well who you are,' she said grinning.

'You two know each other?' Hermione asked in surprise.

'We were at school together for a couple of years,' Severus explained, 'then she finished and I had five more years to go.'

'Oh,' Hermione said, 'why can't we drive through the poppies?'

'My sister has placed an extremely potent sleeping spell in the poppies, which will activate when you drive through them, causing you to crash and burn,' Andromeda explained.

'How very dare you!?' A voice rasped, the ensemble turned to see Narcissa standing among the remaining poppies, fuming, 'I set an artful, brilliant and original trap and you just give it away gratis. How very, very dare you!?'

'Oh dry up,' Andromeda said dismissively.

Narcissa ignored her and pointed at Hermione, 'I'll get you my pretty and your little pussy too!' Narcissa cackled and disappeared.

'You know,' Andromeda said, 'this really speaks volumes about the length of her husband's hair.'

'I was just thinking that,' Severus said laughing.

'Shut… Up!' Hermione said slowly.

With Andromeda's help the remaining poppies were harvested in mere seconds and Hermione and co were quickly on their way to the Emerald City once again.

As they turned a corner, the Emerald city came into view, 'It's not really Emerald is it?' Hermione stated, 'bit more towards lime than emerald.'

'Spearmint green perhaps,' Severus suggested.

At very long last Hermione the girl, Severus the tin man, Ron the scarecrow, Neville the lion and Crookshanks the cat entered the gates of the Emerald city. In the centre of the sickeningly repetitive city was a large and extremely out of place medieval stone castle.

'I take it that's Hogwarts,' Hermione said pulling the Porsche over to the curb.

'Yes it is,' Severus said, 'but why are we stopping here?'

'Poppies,' Hermione said, getting up and walking over to a building.

After quickly selling the poppies, for an astronomical sum, to a nearby opium den, Hermione, Ron (who was looking worse for wear after standing on Crookshanks' tail), Neville, Severus and Crookshanks FINALLY approached Hogwarts castle. Having found the car park to be almost completely empty, save for a couple of horseless carriages, Hermione pulled into a spot and they all piled out of the car and untangled Ron from his seatbelt.

The group approached a large pair of heavy oak doors. Just as Hermione was cringing at the idea of having to open them, they automatically parted and slid to the side.

'Humph,' Severus said, 'they never used to do that.'

'They changed them when Andromeda defeated the Carrows and began ruling the North realm,' Ron explained, causing the whole party to stop and stare.

'What?' Ron asked, looking behind him as he walked straight into a column, confirming that he was still a complete moron.

The group walked up to a desk at the end of the entrance hall where an elderly woman with her hair drawn into a tight bun had her head down working.

'Hello,' Hermione said nervously, 'we'd like to see...'

'Dumbledore,' The woman cut off, not looking up from her work, 'Do you have an appointment?'

'Um...no,' Hermione confessed.

'No appointment, no Dumbledore,' The woman said.

Severus banged his fist on the table, causing the woman, and her ink well, to jump about a foot in the air, 'Hello Minerva,' Severus said as the woman looked into his face.

The woman's eyes widened in horror and she backed up, nearly tripping over her chair, 'Severus, you're alive!' She exclaimed.

'Yes, I am,' Severus spat, 'And I'd like to see Dumbledore.'

'Um...' Minerva stammered, 'I'm afraid he's not in at the mom...'

The woman was cut off by a side door opening and a man who looked positively ancient, with silver hair reaching his waist and a beard to match.

'Minerva!' The man screamed, 'Someone stole my poppies! How the bloody hell am I supposed to get high now?'

'Hello Dumbles,' Severus said, turning to the man.

Dumbledore, the great wizard of Oz, screamed in horror and hid behind Minerva.

'Ah,' He said meekly, popping his head out from behind his receptionist.

'Yes?' Severus said, quite clearly annoyed, raising an eyebrow.

'You're alive I see,' Dumbledore said.

'Indeed I am,' Severus said, 'Although I'm in something of a state.'

'What happened to you?' Minerva asked.

'Voldy found out,' Severus said, shrugging, 'Weasley is alive too.'

'Which Weasley?' Dumbledore asked, emerging from behind Minerva, who sat down and began straightening her desk.

'I'm not sure, they're all just orange to me,' Severus said, turning to Ron, 'Which Weasley are you?'

'I'm Ron,' Ron said, missing the whole conversation.

'Ron!' Dumbledore yelled, 'You're alive too! How long did you last against Narcissa?'

'About three seconds,' Ron replied, blushing.

'Well that's longer than I expected. And who is this?' he asked, looking Neville up and down.

'That's Neville Longbottom,' Severus said, 'Frank and Alice's son.'

'Alas,' Dumbledore said, shaking his head, 'Your poor parents.' He patted Neville on the shoulder, nearly giving the poor boy a heart attack.

'And this is Miss Hermione Granger.'

'A pleasure to meet you my dear,' Dumbledore said shaking her hand eagerly, 'I suppose you three all want to be turned back to normal,' Dumbledore said, turning away from the group.

'That would be preferable,' Severus said on behalf of the three of them.

'And I'd quite like to go home,' Hermione piped in, 'Or find a cushy job and a new place to live, my last house sort of landed on a...witch.'

'Which witch?' Dumbledore asked.

'Tut tut,' Minerva said, not looking up from her desk, 'such clumsy phrasing.'

'It was Bellatrix,' Hermione said.

'You killed Bellatrix?' Dumbledore was shocked, even Minerva looked up from her work and stared at the girl.

'It was an accident,' Hermione said, 'And Andromeda made me wear her shoes.'

Dumbledore and Minerva turned their gaze downwards and stared wide eyed at the shoes.

'Well well well,' Dumbledore said contemplatively, 'Of course I'd love to help you all, but I'm afraid it's beyond my power.'

'Bull...Shit!' Severus said.

'Let me finish Severus,' Dumbledore continued, 'I can't help you unless you bring me Harry Potter!'

Severus groaned.

'Dead or alive, my psychiatrist says that unless I have closure on this issue I'll never get over my various addictions.' Dumbledore explained.

'What happened to Potter?' Severus asked, exasperated.

'I'm not entirely sure, I sent him after Narcissa and he sort of disappeared,' Dumbledore explained. 'Your best course of action would probably be to ask Narcissawhat she did with him.'

Severus and Hermione looked at each other and sighed.


End file.
